6 Ways to Bond with your Preemie in the NICU

Having a preemie was not what I ever expected when I was pregnant with my first in 2018. I had a relatively healthy pregnancy, regular doctor check ups that went just fine, and was not considered high risk. I remember with it being our first, I really tried to do things ‘by the book’; avoiding processed meat, mercury, caffeine, not doing any high impact work outs, and being cautious in general. I’ll never forget that I was signed up with my husband to do a birthing course at the hospital, but I went into preterm labor before I had the opportunity to attend. I think the way they show labor and the immediate aftermath in the baby commercials or the movies is the way I had envisioned it for myself - where they show after a long, strenuous labor, the doctor placing the brand new just-birthed baby on the mama’s chest for that first precious moment of bonding outside of the womb. I think I romanticized about it as my belly started growing especially since we did not know what we were having. The big, bonding moment is something I looked forward to, but it didn’t work out that way for me.

For me, it was not what they show in the movies at all. My body went from zero to sixty way faster than I even knew was possible, and I gave birth within 3 hours of my water breaking, at 30 weeks 4 days pregnant. As soon as my baby was born, the OBGYN did pause long enough to allow my husband to see the baby and tell me that it was a boy, but then there was a team of doctors and nurses waiting to take my newborn and start ‘working on him’ in the corner of the room. Everything happened so quickly and was such a blur - but within minutes, the medical team wheeled my little dude past me just long enough for me to catch of a brief glimpse of him and told me that I’d get to see him later after they got him set up in the NICU. And then they were off. My baby didn’t get to lay on my chest. I didn’t get to hold him, or cuddle him, or feel his heartbeat on mine. And this was a bonding moment that I felt robbed of, if I am being honest, even though I knew it was the best decision to help my baby boy.

An hour or two later, when Palmer was stable in the NICU, my husband and I were allowed to go in and see him. He was hooked up to so many cords and cables, inside a ‘glass’ looking pod (that I soon found out was called an isolette), with machines that were beeping non-stop. He was naked other than the smallest diaper I’ve ever seen that was too big on him - certainly a different look and feel than your typical blue and pink hospital hat you picture when you think of brand new newborn babies. I remember having tears in my eyes, thinking to myself he is so damn cute, but how can I bond with him when I’m so scared to touch him.

I’m writing this blog for all you preemies mamas that might be feeling the same way and asking yourself, ‘How do I bond with my preemie in the NICU’? Though it is intimidating to see your baby like this at first, and though it most likely is not what you pictured in your wildest dreams when you thought about bonding with your son or daughter, I’m here to tell you that there actually are quite a few ways you can form a deep bond with your baby while he or she is in the NICU. Here are the 6 ways I found to be most helpful in developing a close bond with my sons, both of whom were preemies:

#1 - Containment - Preemies are highly sensitive to their surroundings, which makes sense since they are still supposed to be developing inside the comfort of their mama’s womb. One way in which preemies are sensitive is touch - it can be overstimulating and stressful for a preemie to be rubbed, stroked, or ‘pet’ for lack of better way to say it. What preemies do find comforting though, is what is called ‘containment’, or when you place your hands directly on your baby’s body, top of their head, or bottom of their feet. You can just rest your hands there in a firm and secure way, without pressing too hard. Think about it as if your hands are mimicking the tightness that your baby would feel inside of the womb as they grow within your tummy. Your hands can help provide that comfort and security on their body which makes them feel good, and you will feel their warm little body which will bring you comfort as well.

#2 - Participating in Care Time Tasks, like Taking the Temperature, Changing the Diaper, and Oral Care - Who knew that simple, basic tasks could be so rewarding? Actively participating in the care times that you are able to will help develop a strong bond between you and your baby in the NICU. When you think about it, these are things you’d be doing if your baby came home anyway - so why not do that in the hospital? Don’t be scared - the nurses will help teach you and guide you on what to look for and the proper way to do these things. Once you practice once or twice, it will be second nature to you and you will look forward to care times to be able to take care of things like taking your baby’s temperature under his or her arm, changing the diaper and applying any diaper cream if necessary, and oral care, where you are taking a swab of your breast milk (or donor breast milk, or formula) and gently rubbing it around your babies lips, while cleaning off any goop formed by any tube or respiratory support through the mouth.

#3 - Kangaroo Care aka Skin to Skin, and Bonus If You Have a Mirror - Though you may not have that initial skin-to-skin bonding moment immediately after your baby is born, it will be the most amazing feeling when your baby is ready to be held by you! Kangaroo care is where you can wear a nursing bra or be bare chested, and your baby is placed on your chest (by the nurses). This type of bonding is so precious and also proven - numerous nurses told me that babies tend to do much better in terms of their vitals/stats when they are kangaroo’ing on mom than when they aren’t. And I witnessed it with both of my son’s when I held them - it is incredible! Your hospital may also have a mirror, which I would highly recommend. This way, you can look in the mirror and see your baby’s little face and watch their breathing while they are on you. It is relaxing and comforting beyond belief to feel it AND see it!

#4 - Talking, Reading and Singing - Even if your baby was a preemie, they were still developing in you for months and they definitely know your voice. I found that talking to my baby, notifying them when I got to their bedside and saying things like, “How are you doing, my sweet boy? Mama is here now - you can sleep I just wanted you to know I’m here for you,” were comforting to me, knowing that my baby could hear me and I know could feel my presence. Sometimes if I didn’t have anything specific to say, I would sing in a quiet voice or even, my husband would read sports or news articles to our sons, just so they could sense we were there.

#5 - Bedside Pumping - Most hospital NICUs will have hospital-grade breast pumps that you can request and keep by your baby’s isolette. If you are pumping, feel free to do so by the bed-side, while looking at your baby through their isolette. Many times, the isolette’s will have a baby blanket covering them during the day, to keep it dark within so your baby rests (like they would be doing in your womb). Feel free to lift one corner up if you are pumping at the bed-side, to look at your baby. I was told by a nurse it can help your milk production by seeing your baby.

#6 - Fabric strips with your Scent - with my second born (a 26 week preemie), the hospital I delivered at had a box of little fabric strips that you could grab on your way into the NICU. What you could do is place one of these strips in your bra during the day, and before you left the NICU, you could place that strip near your preemie’s head (within their isolette) so your baby could be comforted by your scent even when you couldn’t be physically present. You could change these out every day or so, so the scent stayed fresh. If your hospital does not have this, feel free to ask if you can bring in your own little strip of fabric and place within your baby’s isolette.

Bonding with your preemie may look different than what you envisioned throughout your pregnancy, but the bond a preemie mama and her preemie baby runs extremely deep. I hope you are able to use some of the bonding tips within this blog to help further deepen your connection with your little one. You got this, mama!